One of Life's Little Mysteries
by Lady Aurelia Crawley
Summary: Following from the happy events of Charlie and Elsie's wedding and their first Christmas with their daughter, they all now must help Ella deal with her loss, and their own loss too, when Ella miscarries her unborn baby. One of the ways Ella chooses to cope, is to read the letters Elsie had given to her for Christmas, the ones that had been written by Elsie to her daughter.
1. Chapter 1

**OK here, it is guys, the next instalment of my series. When we left off the last story, Ella had just woken to stomach cramps and bleeding, so is she about to miscarry and lose her baby? Well, there's only one way to find out. Please leave me a review to let me know what you think and a huge thanks to all my usual lovely followers, you are so wonderful to stick by me =** )

'Henry, I'm bleeding!' Ella had said to her husband, who had still been half-asleep, but as soon as she had spoken he had leapt out of bed and to her aid.

She was very grateful to have a doctor on hand to take good care of her in her hour of need, as he had gently pulled back the bed clothes to examine her, only to discover a large pool of blood and her white nightdress and bed sheets ruined with deep crimson. From the extent of her bleeding it was very clear what was happening and unfortunately for them both, Henry didn't have his bag at the house.

'I'm going to wake Sybil to come and sit with you and then I'm going to call for Doctor Clarkson; alright my love? But everything is going to be alright, I promise you, you're going to be just fine.' He said as he soothingly brushed her hair back from her face, but the tone of his voice said everything that Ella needed to know; she was miscarrying and there was nothing that could be done.

As he disappeared out into the corridor Ella heard the gentle knock on Sybil's door and she began to cry as she felt another wave of pain and her body began to shake with shock. She was greatful that Sybil didn't take long to come to her aid and she held her twin tightly without saying anything to her.

'Perhaps we should get you out of these clothes, make you a little more comfortable.' She whispered as she still clung on to Ella tightly.

'I want Mama and Mam; I want them to be with me.' Ella sobbed and then she heard Tom's voice from the corridor.

'I'll get them,' he said as he then disappeared.

Minutes ticked by, with Ella writhing in pain as the contraction worsened and then subsided again, before Elsie was the first to rush to her daughter's aid. She had obviously been in a very deep sleep when Tom had woken her, but as soon as he had said that Ella needed help, she had thrown on her dressing gown and rushed to Ella's side, but was shocked by what she saw.

Ella was deathly white and her thighs looked to be shaking madly with shock, as more blood trickled down them and her tears streamed down her face.

'Mam!' She sobbed as Sybil then stepped aside to let Elsie into her daughter and she immediately embraced her, desperate to comfort her and hold her own tears back.

'What's happened?' Cora asked as she then entered the room, still tying her dressing gown in her haste to get to her daughter as she rushed to Ella's other side, just as Henry returned.

'Doctor Clarkson is on his way now Ella, he won't be too much longer.' Henry explained, slightly out of breath having rushed from downstairs.

'Doctor Clarkson? But is there nothing that you can do for her Henry?' Cora asked as she tightly gripped her daughter's hand.

'Unfortunately not; I haven't got my bag here, it's at the hospital, so I have nothing I can give her.' He explained with guilt and regret.

'Might we clean and change her before Doctor Clarkson arrives?' Elsie asked as she turned to look at Henry.

'If she feels up to moving and it doesn't cause her any more pain, then yes, you may clean her.' Henry said with his authoritive doctor's tone, but there was also a great hint of upset in his voice, which he was trying to hide from his wife. 'I'll give you some privacy.' He said as he then exited into the corridor, where he was met by an extremely worried Charlie, Robert and Tom. He explained to them what was going on and the fact that Ella was miscarrying, words that really hurt him as he said them.

'Perhaps we should wait downstairs for Doctor Clarkson to arrive, Carson can open the door for him and show him up.' Robert said as he led Henry towards the staircase.

'Certainly, Milord.' Charlie said with an informal tone, his own grief at Henry's words showing.

'Just before we go down, I'd like to inform my own parents. I will see you downstairs in a few moments.' Henry said as he then disappeared further down the corridor to Mable and Arthur's room.

In Ella's bedroom Cora and Sybil helped her to stand up, but her legs felt very weak beneath her and they had to guide her towards a chair, whilst Elsie pulled the sheets from Ella's bed. Everything was done quickly and skilfully, with no sounds from anyone. Sybil then got some fresh, warm water into the bowl, whilst Cora helped to take off Ella's sodden nightdress, which was tossed into the pile of dirty bed linen. Sybil then washed Ella, who felt completely numb to the actions of her family, as if she was in a world of her own, oblivious to those around her.

Once she was cleaned Cora and Sybil then helped her into some clean clothing, but she was still in a lot of pain and every movement she made took a lot of effort. Ella didn't even notice Elsie disappear and then reappear minutes later with clean bedding, until they all helped her back into the bed.

Downstairs, Henry sat with Robert, his parents, Tom and Charlie. Robert had poured them all, including Charlie, a large glass of whisky as they waited for Doctor Clarkson's arrival and they all sat in silence as they sipped. Mable sat next to her son and lovingly held his hand as he began to let the night's events sink in. He still couldn't quite believe, that only two days ago Ella had given him the joyous news and that now they would both be grieving their loss. How had everything changed so quickly?

Eventually there was the loud bang on the door, which Charlie went to open and led Doctor Clarkson into the library where everyone else was waiting with Henry.

'I'm sorry to drag you out so late Doctor Clarkson.' Henry said rather feebly as his way of greeting his colleague and Doctor Clarkson's heart did go out to the younger man.

'That's quite alright Doctor Forbes; shall we go up to her?' Doctor Clarkson replied, bringing Henry round from his daze as they both walked out of library together.

On seeing Doctor Clarkson, Elsie, Cora and Sybil all vacated the room to allow Ella some privacy whilst he examined her and they all took the opportunity to comfort each other.

'I can't believe how quickly it all happened; we were only together a couple of hours ago and she seemed fine then.' Sybil said tearfully.

'Well there's not very much we can do for her now except be here for her when she needs us; both she and Henry will need our love and support and that's all we can really give.' Elsie said as she placed a hand on Sybil's arm, but she had tears in her own eyes and she was struggling to keep her composure, as was Cora.

'This must bring back some terrible memories for you Mama.' Sybil said compassionately as she went to hug her mother, seeking her comfort as well as offering it, as she recalled the miscarriage Cora had had just before the war and Sybil remembered how destroyed Cora had been for months after it had happened.

'Well I can't focus on me right now; I need to concentrate on my baby and on offering her what love and support I can.' Cora replied bravely, as she fought hard against her own tears, as Doctor Clarkson came out at last, closely followed by Henry, who looked grave and exhausted.

'How is she Doctor?' Sybil asked quickly.

'Well it is as we feared I'm afraid, she has indeed miscarried; I am so very sorry. I've left some pain relief with Doctor Forbes, who will be able to administer it, but the main thing is that she gets some rest over the next few days and that you make sure she eats and drinks properly. She probably won't feel up to it, but she must keep her strength up to aid her recovery.' Doctor Clarkson explained with a saddened expression.

'Thank you Doctor Clarkson.' Cora replied. 'Might we see her now?'

'I've given her a sedative and some pain relief, so she may be very drowsy, but yes, you may see her. Not too long though, she needs to get her rest.'

'Of course Doctor; thank you once again. Mrs Carson, might you be so kind as to show Doctor Clarkson out?' Cora asked and watched as Doctor Clarkson's brow creased, _of course, he wouldn't have known about Mr Carson's and Mrs Hughes's wedding_ , she thought.

'Certainly Milady,' Elsie replied, a little reluctantly as she walked away from her daughter with the doctor.

'So it's Mrs Carson now, is it?' The doctor asked as they walked down the stairs together and was pleased to see the housekeeper give him a small smile.

'Yes it is; Mr Carson and myself were married on Christmas Eve and then Ladies Aurelia and Sybil gave us the news of their pregnancies; it seemed like we all had a lot to celebrate, but now all this…' She said as she then broke off with sadness as she thought about her daughter's happiness had been shattered.

'It is an awful thing that has happened to them and it is usually the case that there's known cause for it to have happened. Doctor Clarkson replied as he doffed his hat at Elsie. 'Goodnight Mrs Carson.' He added as he then walked through the door, which was then closed and locked again by Elsie. When she turned round she saw her husband waiting for her, looking saddened and grave, but ready to offer any comfort to his wife that she might need.

'She's lost the baby.' She said to him quietly as he went to her and enveloped her in his hold. 'Doctor Clarkson doesn't know why, he just said that it's one of those things, but she'll still blame herself, I know she will.' She sobbed and she felt comforted by the fact that Charlie was holding her and rubbing little circles into her back.

'All we can do now is pray for her; pray that she has the strength to get through this and then we have to find a way to help her deal with it.' He whispered as he closed eyes against his own grief, the images of him playing with his future grandchild in the back garden of their cottage, fading into the night.

'I'm going to go back up to her just now, see if there's anything else that I can do for her, but I doubt that there is. Henry is with her and he'll know what to do, so I think the best thing we can do is return to our beds and brace ourselves for the morning. We of course will need to tell the staff, I don't want any noise on that corridor for the next few days and I certainly don't want her to be disturbed.' Elsie replied with a maternal tone, but with the authority of the housekeeper.

One by one everyone returned to their beds and the sky outside began to fade from dark to light. Henry was the only one who didn't sleep though, as he sat over his wife and watched her sleep once the sedative had finally taken affect. He couldn't believe that any of this had happened to them, just when things were beginning to look up for them, they were now facing the grief and torment of the loss of their unborn child.


	2. Chapter 2

The staff all gathered in the servant's hall for breakfast and waited patiently for the arrival of Mr and Mrs Carson. The staff were all still oblivious to the early morning events, but their blissful ignorance was soon to be shattered when Charlie and Elsie finally did arrive for breakfast, looking shattered and their happiness destroyed.

'Wonder what they've been up to that's made them look so tired,' Jimmy said in whispers and with raised eyebrows to Alfred, who gave him a coy smirk, just as Daisy and Mrs Patmore walked into the room.

'You wanted to see us Mr Carson?' Mrs Patmore asked with a bit of confusion.

'Yes Mrs Patmore, unfortunately I have some bad news to deliver to you all.' He replied authoritively, as both he and Elsie stood at the head of the table and the atmosphere in the room soon changed, as the staff all prepared themselves for this bad news. 'Last night there was an emergency involving Lady Aurelia; she was going to make an announcement to everyone in the next few days to say that she was pregnant, but, regrettably, she has miscarried.' He said with grave sadness and he hated the fact that he had to speak about his daughter with such formality.

'Naturally both Lady Aurelia and Doctor Forbes are very distressed by this news, as are the family, therefore, anyone up on the gallery today will remain quiet. I mean it, I want no noise or nonsense; you've to carry out your duties quickly, but I expect them to be done to our usual high standards.' Elsie said sternly to the housemaids, before she then turned on her heel and headed for the comfort of her sitting room, closely followed by Charlie and Mrs Patmore, where they sat for a few moments in silence, until it was broken by Mrs Patmore.

'Poor lamb, she must be heartbroken.' She said sorrowfully. She had always liked Lady Aurelia and Lady Sybil, as they were good, kind girls who had always shown the staff a certain respect that Mrs Patmore had never experienced in any other house she had worked in. She didn't doubt that Ella would have been a good mother and now, it had been cruelly taken from her. 'Were you with her last night when it happened?'

Charlie thought that this was rather an unusual question given that, in the eyes of everyone else, he and Elsie had no reason to be with Ella at such a delicate time, but, of course, he was still completely oblivious to Mrs Patmore's suspicions.

'Yes I was, thank the Lord. As soon as she, well, became unwell, Mr Branson came to get us.' Elsie explained, but she soon broke off as she began to sob, which worried Charlie even more. Not because he disapproved of her crying over the loss of their grandchild, but because he feared Mrs Patmore's reaction. 'I'm terribly sorry, I just can't seem to hold myself together, when I think about how excited Ella was when she told me the news. I don't know if I'm grieving for her loss or my own.' She explained honestly, which caused Charlie to look with concern at Mrs Patmore.

'It's quite alright Mr Carson, I have known for a long time that there was something going on between Mrs Carson and Lady Aurelia, although it's only been in the last couple of days that I've confirmed it.' Mrs Patmore explained.

'Ah, I see, so does that mean you know…'

'I haven't told her the truth yet, no Mr Carson.' Elsie cut in. 'I don't want to go into detail Mrs Patmore and you will need to be discreet with this knowledge, but Lady Aurelia is in fact my daughter.' She explained quietly, a little uncertain whether or not she was doing the right thing and uncertain as to how the cook would take the news.

Mrs Patmore was surprised, but not greatly, as many things that had happened over the years suddenly made sense. She was curious to know more, but she would not press further, as Elsie had said that she didn't want to go into any detail and she respected her friend's privacy.

'Well that makes a lot of sense I suppose,' Mrs Patmore said and much to the surprise of Charlie, she seemed to take the news well. 'It must be terribly hard for you then, trying to deal with your own emotions whilst keeping it all a secret from everybody else.'

Elsie was greatful that her friend seemed to understand the position that she was in, the struggles that she faced and, in some respects, she now wished that she had been honest with both Charlie and Mrs Patmore years ago; but at least she had their support now and that was the main thing, for she was going to need it now more than ever.

As the three friends sat together downstairs, offering words of comfort to each other, Ella was sat up in her bed, the effects of the sedative having finally worn off, and she still looked as white as the snow outside, with a vacant, pained expression on her face. She still couldn't believe that any of this had happened to them; that yesterday she had been so happy with the prospect of her own family and in the blink of an eye, it was all gone.

'Are you alright my love?' Henry asked quietly and solemnly as he sat beside her on the bed clutching her hand and watching her intently, wondering what was going through her mind, as she could barely look him in the eye.

'How can I ever be alright again? I lost our baby, Henry and it's all my fault. I should have taken it easier, you all kept telling me to rest up and take it easy, but I wouldn't listen and now…' She said angrily as she sobbed intently. Henry wrapped his arms around her and allowed her to sob into his chest, as he also shed a few tears.

'Ella you can't blame yourself for this, it isn't anyone's fault; it happens sometimes, usually for no reason at all. I guess it just wasn't meant to be, not this time; but we will have a family one day, you'll see.' He whispered, but she found no comfort in his words.

'I don't think I will ever be ready for that, not after this; I couldn't put myself through this again.' She angrily and sounded so despondent, which Henry wasn't used to. Not only had he lost his baby, but he seemed to have lost his bright, joyous wife who could always see the good in everything and in everyone. 'I'm feeling rather tired, could you leave me to rest.' She said coldly as she then pulled away from him and her tone really hurt him as he watched her turn away from him to face the opposite way. He didn't reply to her but he did do as she asked of him and left her to sleep, perhaps she would feel a little better once she had rested.

As he left the room and entered the corridor, he was glad to see Elsie walking towards him. She was doing her usual rounds, checking that the maids were all working as they should be and that they were working quickly and quietly, but she was glad to be allowed the opportunity to switch from housekeeper to mother, even just for a few moments.

'How is she?' She asked when she saw him.

'I know she doesn't mean to hurt me or push me away, but does she not realise that I'm grieving too?' He said as he allowed his grief to escape him. 'I'm sorry; I must keep my emotions in check.' He added as he wiped his tears.

'You don't need to hide your tears from me Henry; what has happened to you and Ella is awful and I'm sure we will all be shedding more tears before we are done.' She replied kindly as she took a comforting hold of his hand and patted it lightly. 'Don't think harshly of her though; the way a woman's heart works when it comes to our bairns is usually irrational and heartfelt. She will come round and you just need to be there for her when she does, we all will.'

'Thank you Mrs Carson, that's very kind of you.' Henry said formally as one of the maids suddenly made an appearance from one of the other bedrooms and Elsie dropped his hand, but she gave him a gentle squeeze first before doing so and he gave her a comforting smile before heading downstairs.

Elsie carefully opened Ella's door to check on her, once she had sent Beth, the new house maid, further down the hall. Her daughter appeared to be hard and fast asleep and at least looked to be at peace for the time being. She was worried about, not only her physical health, but her mental health too. Although Ella was an emotionally strong girl and was good at pulling herself up by the bootstraps and getting on with things, Elsie wasn't sure how she was going to comeback after this.

As her bedroom door closed, Ella forced one eye to open as she peered through the fog of sleep. She had hoped that it was Henry coming back in, as she felt awful for the way she had spoken to him and guilty for hurting him, but the emptiness of the room just reflected the emptiness of how she felt. She blinked a few times to allow her sight to clear and her room came into focus more.

As her brain began to clear she looked around her things with sadness, taking no comfort from any of her belongings, until her eyes fell onto the pile of letters that Elsie had given her, sat on her dressing table. Easing herself out of the bed, she padded over to them and turned them over and over in her hands, wondering what her mam could have written day after day. As she returned to the warmth of her bed, she pulled at the ribbon that was holding them neatly together and glanced at the date on the first envelope, written in the neat, recognisable script.

The letter slid easily from the home in which had spent the past twenty-five years, shown only by the yellowing envelope; but the pages within were still pristine and looked exactly the same as the day Elsie had written them. Ella could feel tears already springing to her eyes as she began to read the heartfelt words that Elsie had written.

 _To my darling baby,_

 _I don't know yet whether you are to be a boy or a girl, I only know that you will soon be here and that I want you to know how very much loved you are. The only problem is that you will never read this letter or the letters I am to write, so you will never know how truly special you are to me. I am still uncertain as to why I am writing this to you, since you will never have the chance to read it; I guess that it is because, in some small way, I would like it to be recorded somewhere that I am your mother._

 _Lady Grantham has been so very kind to us both with her actions and with her words and I am truly greatful to her. As much as I would like to raise you myself, I know that this cannot be and that I have to find a way to let you go. Until our world is a much kinder place, one that would accept you without judgement or scandal, then this is the way it has to be._

 _Even though I will never be allowed to be your mother, I am still very much looking forward to it. At least for the first few years of your life, I am to be your nanny and carer, so I will be involved with you, but no matter where I am or who I am to you, I will always love you._

 _I have sat here in Levinson House for four months now, watching you grow, feeling you move and you feel so strong that I know, no matter what, you will always be alright, because you're a fighter, you're a Hughes after all, regardless of the fact that you will grow up with the name of Crawley._

 _I shan't write again now until I meet you, until I can hold you in my arms and call you mine for those blissful few moments, before you start your life calling someone else mum._

Ella read and re-read each word carefully, analysing each one and imagined hearing her mam's voice saying them. She noticed, upon reading the letter for the fifth time, that there were a couple of marks on the paper, which she eventually realised, were tearstains.

Once she had practically memorised the letter word for word, she carefully tucked it back inside its envelope and found the next letter, bearing the date the 14th of April 1896, the day on which she was born. This time the letter began,

 _My darling daughter,_

 _How wonderful that sounds; to say that I am the mother of a daughter and how beautiful a girl you are and how I long to look at you again. We spent the first twelve hours of your life together, as mother and daughter, before Lord and Lady Grantham came to take you, to be with your new sister._

 _I believe they have decided to name you Aurelia, a truly beautiful and unusual name for a beautiful and unusual child. But, if you don't mind, I would like to give you another name, a term of endearment that only you and I will ever know about. I'm going to shorten your name to Aela, it's Gaelic and means passion, intensity and emotion, which is exactly how I feel about you, like I've never felt about anyone else. I was going to use Aibhilin, which means longed for child, which you are, my baby, you are, but I thought it too big a name for one so small._

Ella never knew that her mam had given her another name, but she liked that it was so similar to what everyone else called her, yet was different enough to be special. She tried to remember if Elsie had ever called her this when she was a child and she cast her mind back as far as she could, scratching around in her mind for any recollection.

She wondered what had happened just after Elsie had written this letter, how long had they been separated before they were reunited as nanny and charge? From the way her letter was written, it sounded like Elsie was filled with love and with joy, but Ella wondered if that feeling had lasted, or when she went to sleep that night, was she left with an empty feeling, the way her daughter felt now.

Ella was about to pick up the third letter, when her bedroom door opened slowly and Henry's saddened face peeked round, trying not to disturb his wife, whom he believed to be sleeping, and was surprised when he saw her awake and sat up in bed. She looked sorrowfully up at him and began to sob softly once more.

'What are you doing awake, you're supposed to be resting?' He said gently as he sat beside her on the bed, placed his arm around her shoulders and she placed her head to his chest.

'I couldn't sleep, so I started reading mam's letters and they're so beautiful Henry.' She whispered as she indicated the pile of letters in front of her and for a few moments there was nothing but a comfortable silence between them. 'I'm so sorry for what I said Henry, I do love you, more than I can express and I shouldn't have pushed you away like that. I realise you must be grieving too and hurting like I am, I just don't know how to get through this.' She cried.

'Together, my love, that's how we will get through this, together.' He whispered back as he placed a gentle kiss to her forehead and handed the next letter to her. 'Why don't we read this next one together? Perhaps it will help us both.' He added and Ella did indeed open it and they both read it together, resting in each other's arms.


	3. Chapter 3

The family spent the afternoon together solemnly chatting about trivial things, trying to keep their minds from their sadness. Eventually, after many hours, Cora decided that it was time that she went to see Ella, before dinner was served.

'Hello my baby,' she whispered as she entered Ella's room; where she found her daughter laid in bed, but wide awake.

'Oh Mama!' Ella said groggily as she began to sob again. She sat up in the bed and Cora went to hold her daughter close to her.

As they sat silently together, Ella remembered when she was a child and of all the times Cora had sat up with her when she was unwell. It was the first time since she'd lost the baby that she truly felt comforted and she allowed herself to sink more into her mother's hold, who was slowly caressing her daughter's long hair.

'It will get easier my darling, I promise you; I know it doesn't feel like that now, I know that it seems like the worst pain in the world, but it will get gradually easier and I'm right here beside you, to help you and to love you.' She whispered and Ella couldn't bring herself to say anything. She'd completely forgotten, in her own grief, that Cora had once suffered a miscarriage and had lost the baby boy and heir she'd been carrying.

'Mama, do you ever think about him?' Ella asked softly and Cora didn't need her to clarify who she meant.

'I do, often. I think about the fact that he would have been five this year and I wonder what he would have looked like. It's only natural I suppose and I am sure that you will feel and think the same. I know that this is the last thing you need to hear, but it does get easier my baby, I promise you that.' Cora replied as she spoke about the son she had lost all those years ago. 'Promise me that you and Henry will talk about it though, make sure you never forget. It will help you both get over it.' She added as she thought about the fact that she and Robert never talked about her miscarriage.

'I feel so guilty Mama,' Ella said as she opened up. She felt that Cora was the only one who truly understood how she felt, but she wasn't sure if it was a comfort or not. 'What if it was something that I did? What if I'm the reas...' But she was too upset to finish her sentence.

'Oh darling you can't think like that. It was nothing that you did wrong, it just wasn't meant to be.'

For a few minutes mother and daughter sat in silence as they both contemplated their losses and their pain.

'Is Sybil alright?' Ella asked after a long time.

'She's worried about you and she's sorry for what has happened to you.' Cora replied as she still stroked Ella's hair.

'But how is she? With her baby, I mean; it must have affected her and I don't want to spoil things for her by making her worry.' Ella explained calmly and with genuine concern, which instantly put Cora's mind at ease. She had been so worried that Sybil's pregnancy would now cause Ella to feel jealous or resentful towards her twin; but Ella didn't feel that and nor could she ever do that to he beloved sister. Deep inside her, beyond her pain, she still held on to some of that excitement for Sybil.

'I don't think she's thought about it like that; I think she's more concerned about upsetting you.'

'Is that why she hasn't been in to see me since it happened? I had wondered if she was avoiding me.'

'She doesn't want to hurt you or make you feel, over the coming months, that she's rubbing it in.' Cora replied and this made Ella feel really guilty.

'Oh Mama I don't want her to feel like that. I'm sure it's going to be hard, to watch her grow and to watch her baby being born and raised when mine would have been there too, but I still want her to come to me, I still want to share it with her.' Ella explained as she painfully shed more tears.

'Perhaps you need to talk to her and tell her this. She's very worried about you.'

'In that case, when you go back down, could you send her up? But not yet; I'm enjoying this time alone with you.'

'Of course I will. And I will stay with you for as long as you need me to.'

For the first time they both managed a weak but genuine smile. They stayed together for a long time, talking, crying, hugging and anything else they needed, until there was a gentle knock on the door.

'Come in,' Ella said with a furrowed brow and was glad to see Charlie enter, but she was slightly saddened by his posture and stance, realising that he was there as butler and not as father.

'Your Ladyship, Mrs Patmore has made a light dinner and Miss O'Brien is waiting for you, should you wish to change.' He said formally to Cora, but Ella was confused.

'I didn't hear the gong Mr Carson.' She said.

'No Milady, I didn't ring the gong this evening as I didn't want to make too much noise and distress you.' He explained and Ella appreciated his efforts. 'Would you like a tray to be brought to you Milady?'

'No thank you Mr Carson, I'm not really hungry.' Ella replied despondently, which resulted in Cora and Charlie giving each other a concerned look.

'You have to eat my darling; you need to keep your strength up.' Cora said softly.

'I know Mama, but the thought of food just now makes me feel sick.'

'Her Ladyship is right Milady, you need to eat. What if I asked Mrs Patmore to make you some soup or toast and have it brought up to you?' Charlie suggested and even though his words were formal, Cora could hear his paternal tone.

'I don't think I can eat a single bite, but thank you for your concern.' Ella replied sternly and tried to make it clear she didn't want anything.

'Very well Milady,' he said as he then left the room.

He went back downstairs into the servants' hall. He checked to ensure that all the staff were where they should be and then went into the kitchen.

'Mrs Patmore can you make a tray up for Lady Aurelia; she said she doesn't want anything but we should try. Perhaps some soup.' He said.

'Of course Mr Carson. How is she doing?' She asked.

'She's very distressed as you can imagine.' He replied with great pain and sadness.

He then left the cook to prepare his daughter's meal and went in search of his wife. He knocked on the door to her sitting room and entered slowly. She was sat at her desk, crouched over her ledgers but she wasn't really working.

When she turned to face him her eyes were red with tears and his heart broke all over again.

'How is she?' She asked as she wiped her cheeks with her hand.

'She was with Lady Grantham when I went into her and what about you, how are you feeling?' He asked as he put his hands on her shoulders and gently caressed her.

'Tired and heartbroken. When I think about how excited they both were and then watching her last night...I hate feeling so powerless and I hate having to separate myself from her.' She replied with maternal anger.

'Why don't you go to her just now? The rest of the family are down to dinner and I've asked Mrs Patmore to make Ella tray. Perhaps you could take it up to her, see if you have better luck at persuading her to eat. When I went up she was refusing to eat.' He said softly and she found his tone to be comforting, but she was still struggling with her own distress.

'I'm not sure if I can face her and I know that sounds awful. But she's lost her baby, through no fault of her own and not through choice; but I willingly gave my baby away.' She spat angrily, but she wasn't angry at him, she was angry at herself, more so now than she'd ever been before.

'You didn't give her away and it certainly wasn't done willingly. You did what you did to protect her, because you love her. You made an awful sacrifice and she will never think less of you for it. That girl loves and adores you and right now she needs you, she needs her mother.' He said as she stood to face him and he held her close. It was obvious to him that Ella's miscarriage had stirred many dormant feelings within his wife, many that she had long hidden.

Elsie sighed deeply and found little comfort in her husband's words; she felt wracked with guilt and nothing he or anyone else said was going to help her on this occasion.

As they stood in silence together there was a confident knock on the door and it was opened by Mrs Patmore.

'Lady Aurelia's dinner is ready; it's nothing special, just some vegetable soup but it'll give her a bit of substance at least.' She said.

'Thank you Mrs Patmore. ' Elsie said and the cook then excused herself. 'I'll take it to her; I do want to check on her, but I don't know what to say to her, not really.'

'Nothing at all; just being with her and letting her know that you are here for her will be enough.' He said as he placed a gentle kiss to her temple.

They left the room together; he returned to the dining room with the family and Elsie took the tray to her daughter.

When she got to Ella's room she was sat up in her bed again with another one of Elsie's letters. She was so engrossed in what her mam had written that she failed to see that she'd come in. This letter had a lot more emotion in it than the others.

At the time that it was written, Ella had been four months old and it was apparent from her writing, that the initial magic and connection Elsie had felt had soon diminished.

 _My dearest Aela_

 _I have to keep reminding myself that I am your nanny and not your mother and even though I am with you, the pain I feel grows worse each day._

 _I took you and Miss Sybil down to see Lord and Lady Grantham today and the pain I felt watching them coo over you, well it's indescribable. In a way, I am reassured to see how natural they are with you, especially Lady Grantham; you deserve a good mother. Nevertheless, I'm starting to realise that I will never be your mother. You are going to grow up thinking of me as nothing more than a servant and I'm not sure I can cope with this any more._

 _I would much rather us to be separated forever, than have to endure the pain I am in now._

Ella couldn't read anymore of her mam's words and could feel the pain Elsie had been in emanating from the pages.

Elsie watched her daughter and knew what she was reading and felt bad that it had clearly upset her. Ella glanced up and saw her mam standing in the doorway and held her arms out to her. Elsie placed the tray at the end of the bed and held her daughter tightly. They sobbed together, both grieving their individual losses.

'Mam I never thought of you as just a servant; you have always been more to me than that, even before I knew the truth.' Ella cried.

At first Elsie wasn't sure what it was Ella was referring to. For the most part she couldn't remember what her letters contained; there were one or two things she remembered though.

'Oh my darling child, I know that. When I wrote these I was still trying to deal with what had happened and I felt so conflicted about you and me and about how I felt about you. At the time I kept trying to tell myself that it was wrong for me to love you and tried to distance myself from you; but I'm your mother, I always have been and I always will be and when I realised that, that's when I stopped writing them. I started these in the hope that I could record being your mother, but on your first birthday I stopped trying to prevent myself from loving you and accepted everything. I allowed myself to fall in love with you again, like I did on the day you were born.' Elsie explained emotionally.

'Mam I am so glad you are and always have been a part of my life. I do wish we could have always been like this, but I do appreciate everything we have shared together, regardless of your role in my life at the time.' Ella replied as she held Elsie's hand tightly.

Elsie didn't know what to say; she was very touched by Ella's words and wanted to tell her about how much she loved her and how much she meant to her, but she stopped herself from saying it. She thought it cruel to say everything that she wanted to, to remind Ella that her child was still alive with a whole life ahead of her, when Ella's baby would not.

'Mrs Patmore has made you soup Ella.' Elsie said after a while of silent contemplation.

'I don't think I can eat anything.' Ella whispered.

'You need to at least try. We need to keep your strength up so that you can get better. So, please, Ella, just a couple of mouthfuls?'

Ella slowly nodded her head and Elsie passed the tray to her daughter. Ella struggled at first with the first few sips, but then she felt her stomach twinge with hunger. She hadn't realised it until that moment, but she was very hungry, so the couple of mouthfuls she promised soon turned into the whole bowl.

'Did you enjoy that?'

'I did as it happens. Don't give me that look, I admit it you were right.' Ella replied with a contented smile.

'Good. Do you want anything else?'

'Actually, I wouldn't mind some toast.' Ella replied shyly. She felt a little hesitant about asking her mam to do things for her.

'Right then, I'll be back in a moment with some toast for you.' Elsie said as she kissed her daughter on the forehead. 'Why don't you read my last letter? Perhaps that will say everything that I cannot.' She said tearfully as she then took the tray downstairs.

Ella shuffled through the pile until she came to the letter marked the 14th of April 1896.

 _Happy birthday, my darling daughter, Aela_

 _This last year has been so very hard; I have tried to stop myself from loving you, I have tried to tell myself that it is wrong for me to love you as I am no longer your mother; but I cannot deny my love for you, not anymore._

 _Whilst I am unable to have the title of your mother, I will always think of you as my daughter. From now on I shall feel no shame in the pride I feel for you, the happiness I feel when I watch you smile or when I hear you talk._

 _I don't think my pain will ever go away, but I hope that, one day, my love for you will overcome that, because I will let it grow and I will always make sure of your welfare. I now consider myself so very lucky, to have someone to love the way I love you, soI will always make sure that I am available for you and I will do my best to look after you in any way that I can._

 _So this letter is to be my last, because I no longer need to record my feelings for you as your mother; I am your mother, I will always be your mother and I will always love you as your mother, regardless of who you actually call mother._

 _With my love, always and forever,_

 _Mum_

Ella's tears flowed freely, again, as they had done so often in the last year; but this time she wasn't sad, this time, she understood her mam's feelings and about the loss of her own baby. From time to time she had wondered how Elsie could have coped being so close and yet so far and had sometimes wondered if, in the early days or when she was growing up, if Elsie had loved her at all, which she of course never verbalised to anyone; but the love that she had felt for her own unborn baby helped her to understand a mother's love.

She now knew what it felt like, to love something so much that that love hurts and, as Elsie had said, she felt lucky to have experienced that love. She expected that her love would never die for the baby that so cruelly had, but, perhaps, if she and Henry were lucky, they would one day feel that love again and be surrounded by children.

As Ella laid in quiet contemplation, Elsie returned with her toast and with some tea. They talked about the letters and Elsie opened up more about her experience and about her pain. Ella felt very honoured that both of her mothers had shared their love and losses with her and it only made her own feelings grow more for them.

After she had rested for a few more hours, Henry joined her. He looked heartbroken and exhausted, but Ella now felt strong enough to help him through his pain, now that she understood hers.

'We will be good parents, one day, when the time is right.' She said quietly as they sat together in each other's arms.

'I thought you had gone off the idea of having children?' He replied quietly as he nuzzled her hair.

'You know, you shouldn't always listen to me,' Ella joked with a small smile. 'I'm not saying that I want to start immediately, I think we will need a lot more time than that; but I hope, that one day we will share the joy we had a few days ago and that, by this time next year, we will be sat here with our son or our daughter in our arms.' She explained tearfully.

'Well there's no hurry my love; whenever you feel ready, we can start again then, but we both need to allow ourselves the chance to grieve first.' He said as he gently caressed her lips with a delicate and loving kiss.

They drifted off to sleep, laid in each other's arms, oblivious for a few hours from their pain; but with a good night's sleep, it at least meant that facing their pain the next day, would make it that little bit easier.


	4. Chapter 4

New Year's Day had dawned a few short days later, welcoming in 1920 with mixed emotions. Ella was slowly getting back up on her feet; she was still very pale and very tired, so for the most part she just rested during the day and only came down for meals, but she was no longer in pain, well not physically. Her emotional pain was a lot harder to get over.

She relied heavily on the support of her husband and both of her families, but there was one member she was really struggling with. She was determined to move on with her life, hers and Henry's, but she hated the fact that their loss had caused Sybil to feel awkward. Ella held no ill feeling towards her sister for her happiness and, in a way, she was looking forward to sharing Sybil's experience.

She knew that Sybil was avoiding her. She wouldn't sit next to her at dinner or spend time with her upstairs or down. The thought of this division between them made it even harder for Ella to cope and Elsie could see this without her daughter having to say a thing and she could also see the pain that this awkwardness caused Sybil.

She wasn't too sure if she was overstepping the mark, but she decided to see Sybil on her own to see if she could mend a few bridges on her daughter's behalf. She went to Sybil's room where the young woman was sat reading. Tom had gone down into the village with Matthew and Henry and Ella was asleep.

'Might I come in?' Elsie said as she knocked and opened the bedroom door, but she kept her tone formal, although she chose not to refer to Sybil by name or by title.

Whilst her relationship with Sybil had grown alongside that of her relationship with her daughter, she had never spent any time alone with Sybil; therefore, she was uncertain if the young woman would find it acceptable to continue in such a casual way when Ella was not present. So she continued, but cautiously.

'Of course you can Elsie; is everything alright? Is Aurie alright?' Sybil asked with concern and Elsie then dropped her formal tone.

'She's alright, but she'd be a lot better if you would go to see her. I don't want to overstep the mark, but you need to speak to her and spend time with her.' Elsie said.

'You don't need to worry about overstepping the mark Elsie, we're family, you, Aurie and me and Mr Carson too; but I can't bear to face her, knowing that I still have a baby and she has lost hers.' Sybil replied as she pointed to the chair beside her bed and Elsie took it.

'I'm not saying that it will be easy for her, but that's where we will be needed the most, to support her. Your baby is going to be born, whether or not you see your sister, but don't you want to make her feel less awkward about it?'

'Of course I do Elsie; you know that Aurie means so very much to me and I want her to be so much a part of my baby's life, but I don't want to hurt her either.'

Elsie felt sorry for Sybil, as she could see how conflicted she felt, but she thought that she knew how to fix it, it was just going to take a bold step on her part.

'I think it's time that the three of us spent some time alone. Come with me.' Elsie said as she then led Sybil from her room, down the hall and into Ella's room, where Ella was now awake and sat by the fire.

She felt delighted to see her mam and her sister, but she felt so dismayed to see how uncomfortable Sybil looked. She didn't know what to say to her to make things better and Sybil didn't know what to say to Ella either.

'I think it's time that you two had a conversation about what has happened. No one on this earth can support each other more than the way you two can, but the way things stand, you're not supporting each other at all, which is making your pain worse for the both of you.' Elsie said as she sat Sybil on the bed next to her twin and she then took the chair beside the bed.

'She's right Aurie, I have been avoiding you and I am so sorry. I don't want to hurt you and I know that I have, but I don't know what to say to you or do for you. I know that you are hurting so much just now and I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like, but I don't want to rub it in that I will have a baby and that you will not.' Sybil explained tearfully, which brought tears to Elsie and Ella's eyes too.

'Oh Sybbie, how could you think that? I want to share your joy, I really do and I don't want you to feel otherwise. I want to be the first person, well, second after Tom of course, that you come to when you feel it kick for the first time, or when you are in need of someone to rub your back or your feet because they're sore, I want to be the one that helps you and I most certainly want to be there with you when you deliver your baby.' Ella replied bravely. 'I know, that none of these things will be easy for me, because I was so looking forward to us sharing these experiences together; but it would be a whole lot easier to do them with you, than to be forced out altogether.'

Sybil sat and sobbed at her sister's words, knowing that everything that Ella had just said was genuine and true, but it was Ella's bravery and strength that really made Sybil weep; she didn't think that she could have been that strong if the tables were turned.

'I'm always here to support you, I hope you know that Aurie.' Sybil said as she hugged her sister tightly.

'I know that Sybbie; it's your support and love that's going to help Henry and me get through this. And yours too Mam; I can't get through this without you both.' Ella replied as she began to sob and held out her free arm to Elsie, who hugged both the girls tightly.

After a few moments Ella wiped her tears and tried to control her emotions, trying not to let her grief get the better of her. Elsie didn't sit back in the chair, but stayed sat on the bed beside Ella.

'So what happens next? Do you have to go back to see Doctor Clarkson?' Sybil asked as she also dried away her tears.

'Yes, I've to see him at the end of the month for a check-up, sooner if I notice any problems though.' Ella explained.

'You will be fine Ella.' Elsie said as she squeezed her daughter's hand comfortingly and, indeed, she was right.

The weeks after her miscarriage seemed to disappear in a blur as Ella continued to rest and recuperate. Henry was more doting and loving than ever and despite some earlier concerns that their loss might have driven a wedge between them, Ella and Henry were more in love than ever and their grief seemed to have strengthened that love.

When the day came for her check-up, Henry went to work at the hospital as normal, but he was unnerved and apprehensive. Even though he was a doctor and knew that she was well, he was a husband first and foremost, which meant that he worried like any other.

'My darling, please stop worrying about me. I shall be fine, you'll see. You've done a marvellous job of looking after me, so there's no chance that I could be anything but fine.' She had said as they'd walked down together to the hospital. 'Anyway, you know that Doctor Clarkson is only going to take some tests today, he won't be able to give me the results for a while yet.' She'd added.

'I know that my love, but I do worry about you; you are the love of my life and my sweetest spirit. If anything were to ever happen to you, I don't think I could go on without you.' He said passionately and his words made Ella stop as they walked down the tree-lined lane into Downton.

'Oh Henry, you say the most beautiful things sometimes, but you needn't worry so much; although it is reassuring to know how you feel. I love and adore you more with each day that comes and I do hope you know that.' She said as she cupped his cheek and kissed him gently. 'Once today is over, I can truly start my recovery and then, in a couple of months, perhaps we can start thinking about our family again.'

'Well don't rush yourself Ella because I certainly won't rush you. When you feel the time is right to try again, then I will be happy to, but you have to remember that your body has suffered a trauma as much as your emotions have and you need to give yourself time to heal properly.' He replied as he took hold of her hand and walked her further down the wet lane.

'Yes Doctor.' She responded with a mischievous grin.

When they got to the hospital Ella's confidence took a real dive and she tightly gripped Henry's hand as they went in.

'Are you sure that you don't want me to come in with you?' He asked tentatively as they sat outside Doctor Clarkson's room.

'I'm quite sure; I know that you are a doctor, but you are also my husband and there are just somethings that a husband should not have to deal with.' She said with a smile.

The door to Doctor Clarkson's office opened and the nurse stood in the doorway, ready to usher Ella inside.

'I'll be in my room when you need me.' Henry said as he watched the door close behind his wife and he could feel his heart racing beneath his ribs.

Whilst Henry paced around his examination room, moving paperwork from one resting place to another, adjusting his desk and cleaning his already gleaming equipment, Doctor Clarkson was busy with Ella. He took some blood samples, a urine sample and checked her blood pressure, as well as giving her a general examination.

'Would you like Doctor Forbes to come in now Lady Aurelia?' He asked once his examination was complete.

'Yes please Doctor Clarkson.' Ella replied tentatively as the nurse then left the room to get a nervous Henry from his room. Doctor Clarkson waited for Henry to take a seat next to his wife before he continued.

'Well I can confirm that everything is fine. You seem to have recovered well, but your blood pressure is still a little elevated, not alarmingly so, but enough that it warrants more bed rest and for you to take it easy for a little while longer Milady.' He explained and Henry gave her a sideways glance and saw how irritated Ella looked; she was fed up of bed rest. 'We should have your urine and blood samples back within a few days, but I doubt that there is anything untoward there.' He reassured, much to Ella and Henry's relief.

After her appointment with Doctor Clarkson, Ella and Henry went into his room for some privacy. He was grateful that he didn't have any patience until the afternoon, so he could spend a little time with his wife, to reassure her and comfort her should she need it.

'I suppose this means that I will be getting the car home.' Ella joked, but she received a stern look from her husband.

'It most certainly does; you heard what Doctor Clarkson said. Your blood pressure is up Ella, which means that we need to take a little extra care with you.' He replied as he took her into his arms.

'Yes Doctor,' she replied cutely as he kissed her on the nose. 'Whatever you say.' She added with a wink, her playful side slowly returning, which did make Henry smile, but he also worried that she wasn't taking her health seriously enough.

'I mean it Ella; I want you to have early nights and lie ins in the mornings, if you have to go into the village then get the car and most importantly, I don't want you getting stressed over anything, so whatever is going on in your family, whatever arguments may be taking place, you are not getting involved.' He said and even though she knew he was right, his orders still annoyed her a little. 'Now then, I want you to sit for a few minutes whilst I telephone for Withers to come down and collect you.'

Ella did as she was told and somehow managed to do as she was told for the four days that followed. She loved Henry and knew that he only wanted the best for her, so she didn't want to cause him more concern or worry by disobeying his doctor's orders. But when Doctor Clarkson had telephoned to arrange an appointment with her, neither of them had been prepared for what he had to say.

This time Ella wanted Henry in the room with her when she received her results and she felt a little uncertain of herself when she saw Doctor Clarkson entering the room with a large smile.

'Doctor Forbes, Lady Aurelia, it would seem that I have the most excellent news for you. I suspected it a few days ago when I first examined you Lady Aurelia, but I needed the blood and urine samples to confirm it.' He explained cheerfully, but Ella just managed to look confused. 'You are still pregnant.' He added and both Ella and Henry were stunned.

'Pregnant?! But how can that be, when we haven't…you know…' She asked Henry uncertainly and with an awkward glance in Doctor Clarkson's direction.

'It's quite simple Milady; you did indeed suffer a miscarriage, I am sorry to say that nothing has changed that, but it would seem that you had been pregnant with twins and for whatever reason, you lost one of them, but the other twin has survived.' He explained calmly and finally she understood.

The news stunned and delighted Ella, but she felt such a mix of emotions. She was ecstatic that she was still expecting, but she had still lost a baby and this pain was still as raw as the day it had happened, which led her to feel rather confused about how she should feel about this baby. She wasn't certain that she was ready to feel the love again that she had once felt.

'Does that mean the baby is at risk Doctor Clarkson? I mean, is it going to be healthy and am I likely to lose this one too?' She asked.

'As far as I can tell, there should be no reason for you to lose this baby, not now and there should be no reason as to why the baby should not be happy and healthy. You are young Milady and healthy yourself, so there is no reason why, going forward, you shouldn't have a normal pregnancy.' He reassured. 'I will keep a much closer eye on you and your blood pressure is still high, so we will put you on a diet that should help to control that and, yes, I am afraid it also means a lot more rest over the next few months.'

After a few moments of stunned silence, Ella clasped tightly onto Henry's hand and he smiled with teary delight at her. Doctor Clarkson then excused them, advising that he would come up to the Abbey in a few days to check on her and then Henry led her into his examination room again.

He sat her down in his chair and smiled as he watched her stunned expression.

'How do you feel my darling?' He whispered with glee as he knelt beside her.

'I don't know, I'm…I'm just so shocked!' She stammered quietly.

'It will probably take a few more days to sink in properly, but we are to be parents after all my love and it's the most wonderful, wonderful news.' He laughed with delight, barely able to contain himself and he was so glad to see a smile starting to form on Ella's face and that familiar twinkle reappear in her eyes.

'We are, aren't we?' She whispered and they both placed their hands over their growing, unborn baby.

 **That was quite a short fic this time, with lots of angst and heart break, but at least it ended happily for them, so I'll be sure to make my next fic extra fluffy to make up for it lol. It's already in the pipeline, so stay tuned folks! As always, thanks to all my wonderful reviewers and to my #1 fan lol xxx**


End file.
